There is one revealing question that I like to ask a new Kinky ally. “When did you first become interested in Kink?” I asked Kinky friends―old and new― this question recently. Several said it was when they were in their twenties, and a girlfriend introduced them to a type of sex play they had never experienced or used a toy, and it was so enjoyable they wanted more.
A male sub told me, “For me, the ultimate moment was when I met a girl I considered greedy, she showed me how the male can be triggered by pleasing another. The release of being second in everything was a release. Once I embraced that, then onto further versions of it, chasing how much I would give up to please another.”
A sub female friend could recall at age seven, having incredibly exciting feelings when playing show-n-tell with another little girl. They called this wild stimulation, “The French Itch,” an amusing and appropriate name for self-stimulating that little nubbin. For my friend, she felt the thrilling part was the mystery, the breathtaking unknown quality. At that young age, there was no ultimate climax, just the exhilarating shiver of naughtiness.
Another fantastic response was from a Dom who said he grew up in a family that was steeped in generations of Dominance and submission. Roles were clearly defined, and sex was a matter of fact. Today as an older adult, he has lived his entire life in Kink.
One of the more famous books (and movie) 50 Shades of Grey, has the main characters involved with each other in a Dom/sub relationship. It is a terrible depiction of D/s. The actions of the main characters are so far off base, at one point; I threw the book across the room. Then I picked it up and started writing down all the things that the author, EJ James, got WRONG by a mile.
Her view was that Christian Grey was emotionally shattered by his crack whore mother. Cheyenne Picardo1 said in Rolling Stones magazine about the 50 Shades of Grey movie, “I do question the need to have this intense origin story that suggest people have to be fucked up in order to [engage in BDSM].”
I agree. I am not saying ‘No one in BDSM is ever fucked up,’ but I am saying no one I know has ever described the experience as something they are driven to do to ‘expel the demons.’ Instead, it is just the opposite: it is something they do that makes them feel as though they have found heaven on earth.
So what does make us kinky?
The conclusion I have come to is that we are sensualists. Some of us find that intensity when very young, some are introduced in adulthood. We sensualists may abandon it for several years and then realize it is a need, like air to breathe.
We enjoy the highs we get from domination and submission. We take pleasure in sharing these intense emotions with a partner. We have the benefit of repeating these powerful sensations by creating new and entertaining ways to soar our pleasure to the heights. There is no magic method. There are as many enchanting schemes as our cultivated intellect can create. May (the) God(s) continue to bless the creative mind.